note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
