You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
