I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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