Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
