it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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