new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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