Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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