We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
