I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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