the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
