Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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