I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
