: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
