I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
My cat gives me a boner
Operation Purity has been aborted
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
