i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
