quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
