I molested 6 butterflies tonight
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
