drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
