I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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