sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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