my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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