I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
