I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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