Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
This beer is not sobering me up at all
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
