Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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