I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
