Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
