I like my sex mixed with concussions.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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