he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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