I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
This is the high leading the old right now
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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