I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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