I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I met the friendliest cop last night
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
