Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
