oh god the rape fog is back!
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
