you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
