My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
