I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
