So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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