If that was your dad, he is hot
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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