Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
