if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Randomize
