I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
