I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
