ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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