My brain says no but my pants say off.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Liz is crying about burritos again.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
