she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
