Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
