I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
