Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
