Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Congratulations! We have a period
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