When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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