I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
